I started this blog at thirty kilos overweight and I'm tracking the process of getting healthy, slender, strong and more contented with my body, because I am worth too much to myself not to be happy. I'm trying not to beat myself up or obsess too much as I do it, as I'm ALL about mental health and happiness along the way. It's a delicate balance sometimes. This blog is a bit unusual: I've done large-scale weight loss before, kept it off for years, and now, following a series of stressful/anxiety-provoking life things, I'm doing it again. But, OK, if that's what it takes. I set out (at Easter 2011) to lose 30kg - hence the blog's title. I'm about half way there (as of Nov 2011). Progress is slow but OK, it is still progress. I'll take it.
Something has shifted. My motivation is back. I feel good!
Hmmm, this morning I feel mixed. On the one hand I wrote 1700 good, academic words of an article last night. On the other hand, in order to do so I ate all the foods in the world.
I struggle to write academically without doing this (hence the 30kg weight gain during phd) and I think the reason is the ever-present feeling that I’m not good enough, that I’m a charlatan, that I’m getting something really wrong, that I don’t belong in that world, etc etc. I know it’s irrational and yet the only way to numb those demons seems to be with food.
Question to universe: can I please learn to be one of those writers that goes hours so fully immersed in the ideas that I forget to eat?
So there’s this new twist on eating to avoid feelings. Lately, I’ve been deliberately staying up late and getting up early, and I’m finding I’m numb thru fatigue and, thus, avoiding feelings. Today I feel dreamy and craving of warmth and comfort, but strangely it’s not particularly about food. More tea and blankets. And my relentless chattering mind has quietened itself down, for once, which seems to have been the objective (I don’t do any of this consciously, just starting to be more mindful of it). Hmmmm. What on earth are the feelings I’m avoiding, and can they really be so bad? Or am I just a scaredy cat that can’t face the fear of the feelings. Weird.
Why do we all want to be petite girls with big messy buns and a heart-shaped face and a a dainty rib-cage with a tiny waist and skinny legs?
I am tall and my hair floops down when I try to put it into a bun and my rib-cage is broad and my waist is mildly defined and my legs are long and lean and no matter how much weight I lose they never become pencils like Alexa Chung’s and my tummy is always chubby like a Renaissance woman’s and I AM SICK OF FEELING INADEQUATE
Yes! Even when I’m at the weight i belong at I don’t look like a model, and I’m fine with that. Healthy and curvy is where it’s at, for me. Hurrah to striving for healthy and feeling good about ourselves rather than craving the impossible and forever feeling sad that we’re not it. Yes!