thirty kilos

I started this blog at thirty kilos overweight and I'm tracking the process of getting healthy, slender, strong and more contented with my body, because I am worth too much to myself not to be happy. I'm trying not to beat myself up or obsess too much as I do it, as I'm ALL about mental health and happiness along the way. It's a delicate balance sometimes. This blog is a bit unusual: I've done large-scale weight loss before, kept it off for years, and now, following a series of stressful/anxiety-provoking life things, I'm doing it again. But, OK, if that's what it takes. I set out (at Easter 2011) to lose 30kg - hence the blog's title. I'm about half way there (as of Nov 2011). Progress is slow but OK, it is still progress. I'll take it.

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Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor

 

Feeling more can do

Life drawing on Monday - great.
Went to the doctor and got a referral to a psych - tick.
Rationalising my overwork: ten am and I just got up, been lying in bed drinking coffee, reading about north Korea for no reason other that it’s interesting. Balance, you are returning to me, I see. Thank you for that.

I will be fine, I know that.
Now just have to get the diet and exercise thing under control again.
Yes, I do.

Loneliness, aloneness, and anxiety

I submitted my book to the publisher on Friday and came home and, to ‘celebrate’ I had a beer. Then more beers. And, gradually throughout the evening, I grazed-binged on all kinds of crap food. I should have been out, with friends, smiling, laughing, celebrating - but instead I was at home, in pieces and not even admitting to myself just how awful I was feeling until Sunday.

I moved to Sydney three months ago and threw myself into a massive job, and I’ve barely had time to leave my suburb let alone meet people or do anything much else. I’ve been in the office til ten-ish most nights. My colleagues are nice but are mostly contained in their own worlds of workaholism and/or suburban wives and kids. I have no hobbies besides bush walking which, as most of my friends are out of town or otherwise unavailable, I do alone.

I live alone, I work alone in my own little office, I write alone, I walk alone, I have no love interest in my life and really no desire for one while i hate my body this much. My close friends are far away, and, for the first time in a long time, I realise i’m lonely. Next month I’m going on a solo, multi-day hike/camp trip on an uninhabited island - when i planned it I felt adventurous; now i just feel lonely. And I’ve been filling the terrible connections-void with food, of all stupid things to turn to.

Food stuffs down the feelings. Food is always there, doesn’t judge, provides sufficient guilt/failure feelings to distract from the real issue: a lack of connection. But I’m 15 kg overweight, rapidly reversing all the good progress I made last year, and the emotional crap and complete lack of balance is just undoing me.

Although I’m doing fine in the job, and the book thing is great for professional kudos, I feel I just can’t relax into it. Anxiety is the overarching emotion, not least as I’m on probation and everything rides on this job. Everything: being here, mortgage, making Sydney my home, professional identity, all the work I’ve had to do to get here, the fact of making new connections, everything. I have lost track of me the (vulnerable, lonely, anxious, imperfect) human being and have been subsumed into me the (high achieving, bubbly, ever so efficient, bulletproof) academic. and to manage the dissonance, I overeat.

So, this weekend was a lot of thinking. I need hobbies. I need in-the-moment things rather that look-what-I-achieved things. (Tonight I’m going to life drawing for the first time in a year.) I need to find a non-anxious headspace where I feel safe - that may mean anxiety meds, but i need something. (On Wednesday I’m meeting one if the handful of people I know here to go to a pub quiz.) I should stop drinking and start gratitude journal writing - those were so good for my head last year. (Right now, there’s a bottle of red and about ten beers in my kitchen - I’m tempted to go and chuck the whole lot away. Wasteful, but no more do than drinking it.)

Q: is it imperative to be a drinker if you’re trying to meet people and come across as normal, fun, etc?

I’m thinking about this stuff.
I’ll get there.
But, right now things are hard.

Materially, things are brilliant: great job, book contract, great flat in a great location, a trip to look forward to.
But, emotionally, things are unravelling: no real connections, no balance or routine, my overweight body makes me so sad and angry, I eat and drink too much and for all the wrong reasons, I am anxious all the time.

Now what?

Book-finishing emptiness

So I’ve been working flat out on revisions to my book, and now it’s done. Having looked forward for SO long to having my life back, now I’m just not quite sure what to do with this sudden time explosion.

Get out and run; go to the gym for the first time in weeks; walk somewhere - I’m hearing ya. But I’m exhausted. I’ll do it, all of it, very soon. But last night I cleaned the house, did laundry and grocery shopping, and watched a bit of rubbish on tv. Strangely unsatisfying, although order and clean are good things to wake up to today. I did just keep wondering, though, ‘really? This is my life??’

Usually, being single is awesome. And i love that my friends are all over the world. But right now I’m craving connection and, in the workaholic haze into which I’ve sunk this past couple of months, there are few connections.

Mmmmmm, balance. I want you to come back to me, please.

Walking

On the weekend I walked 32km, over two days, and stayed in a youth hostel on the Sat night so as to continue the walk on Sunday. The walk was pretty much days 1-3 of this: http://www.walkingcoastalsydney.com.au/sydneys_great_coastal_walk.htm

Things I realised:
1. People who live up around Palm Beach really do live on a different (posh, rich) planet. There are no pavements (do they drive everywhere?) Their coffee shops charge $8 for a coffee and everyone wears Chanel (ok, I exaggerate, but you get the picture). Every woman is blonde, they all have three or four kids in tow, and those kids are all called Ruby, Chloe, and Sebastian. Ruby and Chloe are dressed head to toe in pink.
2. I prefer bush walking to this kind of thing. This was some beach, some roads, a tiny bit of bush land up around the headlands. It felt more like a commute walk or a Sunday stroll than a ‘proper’ walk. Certainly it wasn’t a nature walk. I liked it but won’t choose this kind of walk again. Makes me glad I didn’t fly all the way to Spain to do the Camino as it’s similarly roads-based, I think.
3. I could never do 100km in 2 days. I’m going to pull out of the trail walker thing. 32km was a bit of a killer, feet-wise. A hundred would probably just injure me and mean no walking for ages after - no point in that. I like walking, why ruin it?
4. When I walk, I eat. I mean ok, I’m burning cal too but am I just cancelling out my own efforts? I wonder.

weekend is here - hurrah!

My book is pretty much finished, formatted, and ready to go back to the publisher on Monday. And this weekend I’m doing a thirty-k hike, over two days, staying in a youth hostel tomorrow, on my lonesome with ipod and happiness. Booyah :-)

healthiie: What is Binge Eating Disorder? Binge Eating Disorder is the most common kind of ED. Its characterized by: Frequently eating unusually large amounts of food Feeling out of control, unable to stop eating once a binge has started Hiding the amount of food eaten & binging in private Feeling embarrassed and shameful of the amount of food eaten Eating when not hungry and to the point of physical pain and nausea Feelings of depression and worthlessness Rapid weight gain (although not all people who suffer from BED are overweight) Unlike anorexia or bulimia, there’s usually no attempt to reverse the calories taken in. People with BED do sometimes purge (make themselves vomit), but usually to make room for more food or to alleviate stomach pain from eating too much.  What are the first steps to moving forward from Binge Eating Disorder? Stop, take a deep breath, and acknowledge that what you’re putting your body through isn’t healthy. Acknowledge that you deserve better. Decide you want to treat your body and mind better. Talk to someone about it. Tell your closest friend, family member, or whoever you trust. If you have access to a therapist or counselor, use them! Consider looking into Overeaters Anonymous. OA is free, private, and very nonjudgmental.  Make a recovery blog. Be anonymous if you want, but even updating it once a week with your thoughts and progress can help a lot. Be honest, even if its hard. There are thousands of fitblrs, recovery blogs, and other people struggling with the same thing you are. Take advantage of the free support. Reblog anything that inspires and motivates you. Submerging yourself in a culture of recovery, even online, will help keep you in the mindset you want. Keep a simple journal. Write down when you binged, what you ate, what you were feeling, and what led up to it. Be totally honest with it. This will help you recognize patterns & help you avoid them in the future. What Can I Change in My Day to Day Life? Plan, plan, plan. BED is chaos. Add structure to your eating habits to help regulate them. When you’re feeling motivated, make a meal plan for your week. It doesn’t have to be ultra healthy. You don’t even have to count calories. Just pick some things that you think your body would appreciate. Try to include a source of protein, a grain, and some veggies/fruit in each meal. Don’t make the meals too small. Include a snack or two. It doesn’t have to be perfect. The point of this isn’t to lose weight yet, just to get your body used to eating normal amounts at normal times. Once you have your meal plan, turn it into a shopping list. Go to the store and buy ONLY whats on the list. No exceptions. Cook and separate what you buy into ready to grab meals. If that seems like too much, just do what you feel capable of and try to increase the structure as you go. Baby steps are still steps. If you’re not planning on buying anything while you’re out, don’t bring your debit card. Keep a small amount of cash for emergencies in your glove compartment or tucked away in your purse. If your money isn’t easily accessible, you can’t buy a ton of junk while you’re out. Put pretty notes/reminders on your fridge or cabinets. “Are you really hungry?”, “Is it time to eat?”, “There are other things to do when you’re bored”, “Count to 100” or a personal reason you chose to recover. Be mindful while eating. Don’t watch TV or scroll through tumblr while you’re eating. Pay attention to how your body feels and if youre full. You’ll enjoy your food more, and learn your body’s specific needs. Try to eat with others. Keep food in one room of your house. Eat in one room of your house. Don’t eat in bed, on a couch, or at a desk. What Can I Do Instead of Binging? Paint your nails with a bunch of coats. Keep it wet by using lots of layers. Check out some nail art and try to imitate it. You’ll get distracted by the cool designs and the wet paint makes you ultra aware of what your hands are doing. Its also harder to reach your hands into bags etc Drink cold water or hot tea. As you sip, feel it in your body. Try yoga. You absolutely don’t have to be fit or skinny to do basic yoga. Your body will thank you, and it will calm you down. Click here for a list of free yoga videos. Take a bath. Use bubbles, candles, whatever. Treat yourself like a princess and relax. Go for a walk around the block. It doesn’t have to be a long walk. Just enough to stretch your legs and get out of the house. Make yourself a glitter jar. Shake, stare, relax. Play a game. Try one of those free for an hour download games or get into a game on your phone. Go for a drive. Blast your music, sing along, and let it alllll out. Watch a good stand up comedian on youtube Clean. If youre living in shit, you’ll feel like shit. Do something you need to do. Homework, updating your calender, organizing your purse/binder, laundry, etc. You’ll gain a sense of accomplishment, relieve stress associated with having unfinished tasks, and distract yourself from wanting to binge. Check out autogenics or progressive muscle relaxation Call someone and vent Journal This. Is useful.And so shameful and rarely discussed.

healthiie:

What is Binge Eating Disorder?

Binge Eating Disorder is the most common kind of ED. Its characterized by:

  • Frequently eating unusually large amounts of food
  • Feeling out of control, unable to stop eating once a binge has started
  • Hiding the amount of food eaten & binging in private
  • Feeling embarrassed and shameful of the amount of food eaten
  • Eating when not hungry and to the point of physical pain and nausea
  • Feelings of depression and worthlessness
  • Rapid weight gain (although not all people who suffer from BED are overweight)

Unlike anorexia or bulimia, there’s usually no attempt to reverse the calories taken in. People with BED do sometimes purge (make themselves vomit), but usually to make room for more food or to alleviate stomach pain from eating too much. 

What are the first steps to moving forward from Binge Eating Disorder?

  • Stop, take a deep breath, and acknowledge that what you’re putting your body through isn’t healthy. Acknowledge that you deserve better. Decide you want to treat your body and mind better.
  • Talk to someone about it. Tell your closest friend, family member, or whoever you trust. If you have access to a therapist or counselor, use them! Consider looking into Overeaters Anonymous. OA is free, private, and very nonjudgmental. 
  • Make a recovery blog. Be anonymous if you want, but even updating it once a week with your thoughts and progress can help a lot. Be honest, even if its hard. There are thousands of fitblrs, recovery blogs, and other people struggling with the same thing you are. Take advantage of the free support. Reblog anything that inspires and motivates you. Submerging yourself in a culture of recovery, even online, will help keep you in the mindset you want.
  • Keep a simple journal. Write down when you binged, what you ate, what you were feeling, and what led up to it. Be totally honest with it. This will help you recognize patterns & help you avoid them in the future.

What Can I Change in My Day to Day Life?

  • Plan, plan, plan. BED is chaos. Add structure to your eating habits to help regulate them. When you’re feeling motivated, make a meal plan for your week. It doesn’t have to be ultra healthy. You don’t even have to count calories. Just pick some things that you think your body would appreciate. Try to include a source of protein, a grain, and some veggies/fruit in each meal. Don’t make the meals too small. Include a snack or two. It doesn’t have to be perfect. The point of this isn’t to lose weight yet, just to get your body used to eating normal amounts at normal times. Once you have your meal plan, turn it into a shopping list. Go to the store and buy ONLY whats on the list. No exceptions. Cook and separate what you buy into ready to grab meals. If that seems like too much, just do what you feel capable of and try to increase the structure as you go. Baby steps are still steps.
  • If you’re not planning on buying anything while you’re out, don’t bring your debit card. Keep a small amount of cash for emergencies in your glove compartment or tucked away in your purse. If your money isn’t easily accessible, you can’t buy a ton of junk while you’re out.
  • Put pretty notes/reminders on your fridge or cabinets. “Are you really hungry?”, “Is it time to eat?”, “There are other things to do when you’re bored”, “Count to 100” or a personal reason you chose to recover.
  • Be mindful while eating. Don’t watch TV or scroll through tumblr while you’re eating. Pay attention to how your body feels and if youre full. You’ll enjoy your food more, and learn your body’s specific needs.
  • Try to eat with others.
  • Keep food in one room of your house. Eat in one room of your house. Don’t eat in bed, on a couch, or at a desk.

What Can I Do Instead of Binging?

  • Paint your nails with a bunch of coats. Keep it wet by using lots of layers. Check out some nail art and try to imitate it. You’ll get distracted by the cool designs and the wet paint makes you ultra aware of what your hands are doing. Its also harder to reach your hands into bags etc
  • Drink cold water or hot tea. As you sip, feel it in your body.
  • Try yoga. You absolutely don’t have to be fit or skinny to do basic yoga. Your body will thank you, and it will calm you down. Click here for a list of free yoga videos.
  • Take a bath. Use bubbles, candles, whatever. Treat yourself like a princess and relax.
  • Go for a walk around the block. It doesn’t have to be a long walk. Just enough to stretch your legs and get out of the house.
  • Make yourself a glitter jar. Shake, stare, relax.
  • Play a game. Try one of those free for an hour download games or get into a game on your phone.
  • Go for a drive. Blast your music, sing along, and let it alllll out.
  • Watch a good stand up comedian on youtube
  • Clean. If youre living in shit, you’ll feel like shit.
  • Do something you need to do. Homework, updating your calender, organizing your purse/binder, laundry, etc. You’ll gain a sense of accomplishment, relieve stress associated with having unfinished tasks, and distract yourself from wanting to binge.
  • Check out autogenics or progressive muscle relaxation
  • Call someone and vent
  • Journal

This. Is useful.
And so shameful and rarely discussed.

New wheels! Actually, this is the bike I gave away six years ago to a woman I knew vaguely - and now she’s leaving Sydney and asked if I wanted it back. Why, yes, hurrah! It was the only thing I regretted giving away from a whole houseful of stuff. I rode it across the city tonight at commuter time and it was such a buzz - strange, wonderful, near-silent community of bike commuters on quiet back streets (I got a bike map - really, what a difference it makes knowing how to go). Awesome!

New wheels! Actually, this is the bike I gave away six years ago to a woman I knew vaguely - and now she’s leaving Sydney and asked if I wanted it back. Why, yes, hurrah! It was the only thing I regretted giving away from a whole houseful of stuff. I rode it across the city tonight at commuter time and it was such a buzz - strange, wonderful, near-silent community of bike commuters on quiet back streets (I got a bike map - really, what a difference it makes knowing how to go). Awesome!

Stats

I started the blog 30kg overweight.
Aug to Dec 2011, I lost 15 of them - huge effort, big hurrah. Then I paused. (Big trip, moving cities, new job, finishing a book. Busy times.)

Wonderfully, very little of that weight snuck back on - less than a kilo. I’m sure I’ve lost muscle and gained some fat, but my motivation jeans from Nov, the olive green ones, still fit fine.

So, here I am. 16kg to go, more or less. Fitness goals still unquantified but I want to be able to skip up hills like a mountain goat: need to find a way of being specific about that. Walking motivation is back with bells on, and I’m so utterly over the moon about that :-)

Too long, again

Waaaaay too long and no Tumblring for ages. I just wasn’t feeling the whole health thing, way too caught up in stressy worky stuff, yadda yadda, working crazy hours. I didn’t want to add negativity to the universe by writing about it as I figured it out.

Anyway, so, something just shifted. Motivation works in such strange ways. Mine is back - two biggish walks on the weekend and a consequent desire to eat healthily, keep going again with weight loss efforts, a growing desire to can the booze once and for all as it JUST doesn’t make me happy etc. Today I’m going to hang a new pair of motivation jeans on my bedroom wall - they’re black and I bought them at Christmas and they’re about 5kg too snug - they’ll be great in five kilos time but for now they’re too muffin top for decency.

Ok, tumblr. Hopefully I’m back now. I have missed this. In other news- the big project that I’ve been getting so very lost in - new job and book to be delivered at the end of May - it’s all going well. That has to help as it no longer feels like it needs such constant vigilance, freeing me up for a bit of obsessing elsewhere!

:-)

cybersilence

SOOOO busy of late. Not doing much in the way of exercise. Working my butt off on the book (that has now been accepted by the publisher and is due back with them in three weeks, eeek!)

But! I’ve signed up for this: http://trailwalker.oxfam.org.au/sydney

It is a 100km walk, straight through, no camping, stopping, faffing. National parks, ups and downs, bushwalking and then some. It’s mid August. And that gives me four months to get fit.

Feelings:

  • Holy fuck, can I do this? What HAVE I let myself in for? The three others in the team are on the lithe and carefree side of 30, I’m pushing 40, and I’m not 100% sure I can actually do this. I’m pretty strong, I can keep going through some tough stuff, and I do like a bushwalk. But jeez.
  • No, shut up, I can DO this.
  • Really, I can.
  • Just as soon as the book is out of the way (soon, very soon) I can start training (at the moment I’m working 16 hour days and then some). This is a really good kick in the arse - I will walk, run, gym it, and generally get myself into the best possible physical state. Because I can. And because I want to. And because if I don’t, this thing will be hell.
  • I want a balance in my life. Forcing myself to train for this will make me exercise like a mofo. This thing will be intense but OK, I have spent the past few months working intensely on my writing and getting my new job stuff up and running, and this is just another type of intensity. And soon, I hope, I will shift from intensity to balance and calm. But first this.
  • Holy fuck. Seriously.
  • But OK. I have done harder things.

So, a mixed bag of emotions there. As soon as the book is in and work calms down a little, I will be back on the fitness thing. That probably means I’ll be Tumblring again, so please do be patient with me.

But, for now, over and out, happy Anzac day, and wish me luck :-)